Finding a Friend (Shade)

Fury stood there watching Shade as she tried to cypher her way through what he had just said. At first he thought she was ignoring him, but then he realized it was really taking a while for his words to sink in. She must have been so much more tired than she looked. She was so strong in everything she did; Fury hadn’t even realized that she was well past her limit right then. Plus the fact that she was still going was a true testament to her abilities. It was why he was so adamant about thanking her, even though the gesture was outside the norm for him.

That’s why when she did speak he was completely off guard. She was so stubborn that even now after everything she had gone through, after all the emotionally taxing events from the past day or so, she still wasn’t able to just accept the thank you. Knowing her, she probably wasn’t even giving herself credit for what she had done. The thought was sickening, but he accepted it with silent disdain. This was who she was, why she did what she did, and why Raven was proud to be able to call her his sister. While many others looked at him as a brute and a killing machine, she saw him as a person and a professional. It coupled with having his family nearly whole again enabled him to let go of the anger and actually feel something other than malice.

Raven went to say something along the lines of “I’ll thank you if I want to thank you” but was cut short by Shade’s next words. Those words put ice in his veins, stabbed into his heart, and punched him in the gut all at the same time. The one thing he feared more than anything was that. If he was unable to shelter them from the painful life that both he and his sister faced everyday then he would have committed the largest failure in his life. The fact that Serenity had to live here in this hell hole for so long and Alivia in that lab for most of her life already made him feel like a failure.

Raven’s body tense up and his lips separated to speak, but his throat was sealed shut. He couldn’t talk through the realized fear that he wasn’t going to be able to shield them. Not with the life he led. His life was one war after another and with his limited amount of outside experience; it was going to be extremely difficult to break that cycle. Hearing the innocent laughter emitting from the house did not help in that matter. They were as guarded as they were going to get, but he did not find that nearly enough. Raven finally was able to look at his bedraggled sister and said, ”You have no idea how much that one goal means to me. It is more important to me than life itself. And I’m trying the best I can, but… I just don’t know what to do. My line of work doesn’t exactly give me a lot of options in the way of sheltering them. Try as I might to stop it, Serenity is already becoming one of us. And I try to be a good role model and I try to shelter her and now Alivia, but… Have you ever set a goal for yourself that should be simple and easy and you see others do it all the time and… and you give it everything you have, every freaking ounce, and you still suck at it? It’s driving me crazy, Shade.”

Raven slouched his shoulders and looked down at his clenched fists. He didn’t even know why he was saying this to her. He never talked like this with anyone, not even Jesse when she was still alive. Which made him even more confused and mad at himself.

Although Shade wasn't looking at Raven directly, she could clearly hear the strain of raw emotion in his voice when he spoke of his girls. Due to her natural instinct of hearing more in one's voice than in their words, Shade could practically feel the fear and aggravation coursing through her brother's veins as he spoke. She perfectly understood having lives depending on her to defend and protect them, but not so close to the heart, nor solely dependent upon her like Alivia and Serenity were with Fury over every choice involving their lives.


Finally, she tilted her head and raised her shrouded hues to look over him, with his attire and tough exterior screaming nothing more than being a soldier, so much the same as herself. Was it irony, or fate, that the both of them wound up so much alike, even though they lived their lives completely unbeknownst of each other, as well as on separate planets? Living through the retching mourning of loss, enduring the scars of internal pain only to have the wounds reopened time and time again, having to take the chosen paths they took, practically aligned side by side, in order to survive the endless trails and trauma fate found amusing to deliver at their doorstep. Only to become the selfless, hard shelled warriors they were, expected to know nothing more than suffering, and to walk out of the ashes of regret while stomping out any ounce of remorse. That was only the tip of the iceburgh he hoped to protect those two little girls from. Who else could possibly understand more than herself?


She studied Raven for a few silent moments; her eyes lingered a second or two at his fists before allowing her gaze to drift away and speak again. "Yeah.... there's the simple things I suck at, Raven. It's why... I shut myself away from everyone. I center myself at what I know I can do successfully, and nothing more. That way.... no one can expect more from me than what they only know I can do. And that's getting a job done. Period." She couldn't go further, but not because Shade didn't want to. This was her own flesh and blood, and Shade knew she could trust Raven. But it was the simple fact Shade didn't know how else to explain. She was never accustomed to speaking of herself, or of personal matters, be it her own or someone else's. Yet the discussion at hand wasn't just about the two of them anymore, or what injustices were done to either of them over the past. Their own grievances could be easily tossed aside due to their trained minds and the combatant lives both her and Raven lived for.


Alivia and Serenity didn't have that luxury.


With her eyes still downcast, Shade pictured both of the girl's small faces and bright eyes still so full of life as their giggling could be heard from within the house. "Thing is, Raven.... you're not alone in this anymore, and neither are they."

.....and neither am I

She took in a steady breath from those few words drifting through her mind before continuing. With her gloved hand running through her hair, Shade managed to finally raise her eyes and meet Raven's without a single blink as fatigue began to set in. "I can promise you this much.... I'll see those girls as protected in every way as you would protect them yourself..." She found her throat beginning to clench, but Shade forced her words through, determined that her promise would be heard. "They won't know another moment of suffering so long as I breath. And once you bring them to Balamb, I can assure you they'll be treated as family there, as well as have what you and I lost."


She paused for a brief moment, trying to collect her thoughts and scramble for the proper words, How much more simple it would be if they were discussing a direct outline of strategic tactics to a mission. But even so, be it a mission, or the lives of these two girls, they were in this together, just as they were from the very first assignment when Shade knew Raven to be no more than an arrogant, smart elic sniper. "I'm sure with the two of us.... along with some added help... those girls are going to have a much better life that you and I were meant to have, Raven. What they've already endured will only make them stronger. What they have to look forward to.... will make them better than we are." Her arms were crossed over her chest again, as if silently daring him to challenge her with an arguement, only to give a slight smirk as her attempt to offer Raven her own vote of confidence.

Raven slowly looked up from his hands as Shade spoke. What she said made sense, it would be easier if no one had high expectations of him, but he couldn't change that now. That was who he was. All his life he had goals and challenges set before him, challenges that were nigh near impossible. Yet, every time they were presented to him, he threw himself at them with everything he had. With every mountain climbed and every challenge thwarted, Raven moved forward and grew as a person. He looked at her and asked, ”But, don’t you ever feel that it isn’t enough? The only way we move on is to try and fail. Yes failure is hard, but it allows us to grow. I can’t just turn it off like you, Shade. I have to have that constant challenge there.”

Raven moved toward the porch railing and leaned heavily upon it. He watched as the people of New Bodhum moved about the small colony with their daily routine. Mothers called for their children as they ran about playing games, guards watched the walls with a laxed sense of security, and men left their work to go to the only bar in the town. If all of these people could have everything torn away from them and still find a way to have their children grow up to be normal, then he could too. He was not about to allow someone the satisfaction of doing anything better than him.

He turned around to see Shade still looking down at her feet. She spoke softly about the fact that he was no longer alone in this. He thought about what she said and accepted it. She was right and he had just been too bind to see it. Every person who lived in New Bodhum took care of Serenity while he was away. Heck, even his extremely militaristic team took her under their wings as if she was their own daughter. And he was sure that Shade’s usual team would be more than willing to help out. But as he thought of it, the more he dreaded it. Chuckling and shaking his head at the thought of Dusty or Brix trying to help raise the kids he thought aloud, ”Maybe I would be better off on my own. They already have enough bad influences in their lives.”

He met Shade’s gaze with his own emerald eyes as he said, ”But thank you, I needed to hear that. I know they’ll be fine. It’s just scary as hell thinking they won’t be.” Fury walked towards the door and opened it up. As he went to move inside though, he stopped himself and turned around. ”Don’t have kids, Shade. They’ll drive you nuts.” Smirking, he entered the house and walked into the small kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and looked inside. It was all juice. Sighing, Fury grabbed a jug of apple juice and walked over to the cupboard to grab some glasses. When he opened it up, though, he was again forced to sigh as his eyes fell upon nothing but colorful sippy-cups. Smirking, he grabbed two and placed them on the table and filled them up with apple juice. He motioned to the chair opposite him at the table and said, ”You look like hammered shit, Shade. Take a moment to relax. I’ll have Stephanie cook us some dinner before she leaves for the night and then we’ll go back to Balamb in the morning.”

Raising a solitary brow while tilting her head to watch him, Shade inhaled a long breath into her lungs. "Fury... do you think it's because of who we are, you and I will never feel successful, that we'll always dive for the challenge, that we'll always test ourselves to our limits and beyond them simply because we feel that we fail at what's most important?" She gave a half shrug with her right shoulder, glancing away for a moment. "Maybe I'm just making excuses...." His next words drove a stake straight through her heart, but Shade didn't even flinch or blink as her breath held painfully still within her chest. Don't have kids, Shade...." It was a forbidden knowledge she already had about her own fate, yet still painful to hear no matter that she already accepted it long ago. She simply gave a solemn nod with her eyes reverted back to the ground while driving the sudden emotions back into their cell behind lock and key.


For now, Shade quietly followed her brother back into the house, and as he entered the kitchen, she paused at the threshold and leaned against the doorway while watching him. Yet again, her left eyebrow came to a rise when Fury pulled out a jug of juice from the refrigerator, then the right eyebrow followed at an arch when he grabbed orange and yellow cups to fill with the juice. Surely this was for his daughters.....


When he ordered her to take a seat and quickly decided when they would depart for home, Shade didn't argue at all. Her feet shuffled across the floor as her fatigue finally began to wash over her until she gratefully sat down upon one of the chairs. The thought of dinner put her stomach into knots and leading her to wonder when she ever ate last. "Yesterday?" She mumbled to herself as her brooding scowl stared blankly at the table.


Little did Shade realize that her mumbles continued, rambling on about the appropriate quarters at Balamb that would accommodate Fury and the girls and their needs to a proper education, but then shaking her head at the thought of them going through the SeeD program,while insisting that Jayda see to their care whenever Fury and Shade would have to depart on missions or the like, and Brix would insist on a full medical check up for the girls..... And as all her thoughts mumbled on and on without pause, Shade's head slowly lowered against her arm that rested upon the table and the room went silent as Shade fell fast asleep.

Raven poured two cups of juice out and placed one of them on the table for Shade. She seemed so tired. He figured he would let her have her sleep right after dinner and put the girls to sleep early so her sleep wouldn’t be disturbed. He swiftly leaned out of the room to call down the hall to get Stephanie to come cook dinner for them. He chuckled softly when he looked back to the table to see Shade fast asleep. He sighed, silently accepting that she had hit her limit. She seemed peaceful in her slumber. Raven walked over to the table and gently picked her up. He carried her down the hall and placed her in the guest bed before going back to the kitchen to inspect what Stephanie was cooking them.

Walking into the kitchen, he noticed that she hadn’t gotten the meal started yet, so he told her that he would go ahead and cook the meal. He thanked her again for watching the girls and paid her the usual wages before sending her off. Then he turned back to the grill and began cooking the chocobo steaks. A half an hour later, the meal was ready and he called his daughters into the kitchen for the meal. The entire dinner brought joy to Raven as he finally found a moment of peace himself. That moment was the best moment he was allowed to have in a long time and he cherished every moment of it.

After dinner, Raven sent the girls off to their room to get ready for bed before grabbing the plate he had set aside for Shade and sneaking it into her room onto her end-table. Then he went back to the kitchen and cleaned up the mess that was still there. He kept his mind in a trance like state while he mechanically washed the dishes and the table. After finishing with the kitchen, he walked back to his daughters’ room and walked in seeing them both sitting on the ground playing with dolls. He chuckled as he overheard them arguing about which one was going to be the princess. He walked up behind them and grabbed each one up in an arm and said, ”Ooooohhhhh… but you are both princesses!”

Serenity looked at him as if she wasn’t convinced and asked, ”Weally?”

Raven chuckled again and said, ”Really, and you know what all good princesses need right?” He chuckled again as both slowly shook their heads side to side. He carried both of them over to the bed and placed them in it, saying, ”Princesses need sleep to stay beautiful. You want to stay the most beautiful princesses around, now, don’t you?” Both girls viciously nodded their heads and he said, ”Good,” and kissed each one on the head before walking out of the room.

He walked out onto the front porch and looked up at the night sky. He allowed his mind to wander out to the events leading up to the last few days. His hand reached up and gripped the ring that hung alongside George’s cross on his necklace as he thought about the day Jesse died and he had thought he lost Alivia. He saw each and every battle for revenge dashing across the sky, every man who stood in his way.

And he let it all go…

That time was over now. No longer was he fighting for revenge; no longer for selfish reasons. No, now he fought to protect the only thing left in all these worlds worth fighting for: His daughters. He would never allow anything to befall them. He pulled out a cigar and lit it up in the night’s darkness as he silently thought about the future and what all he was going to do for them…

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